Written By Seema Akkar

In 2017, I had a gorgeous 4-day royal Indian wedding. It was the happiest day of my life.

Eight months later, we filed for a divorce.

It was a difficult life event that took me a two-year-long wellness journey to move on from. Today, I thank my healing process that has given me the mental and emotional strength to share my experiences as an Indian divorced woman.

Divorce isn’t easy, no matter what the circumstances are that lead to one. Being an Indian woman going through one presents its unique challenges. I was born and raised in the United States to Malayali Indian immigrants. In America, divorce is common, normalized, and encouraged in incompatible marriages. In India, the idea of divorce is taboo, and a woman is more likely blamed for the dissolution of the marriage than the man. In my case, my ex-husband and I both agreed to file for divorce, something I’ve gotten the blame for from people in my community despite it being a contested, mutual end.

No one in my family has experienced a divorce before, making me the first to go through one. I told my parents when I was first separated; they emotionally helped to support and protect me. I opened up to close friends and my American-born family members, receiving warm support whether they understood or not. A few elders showed support even when they struggled to understand divorce, prioritizing my happiness. Some community members have approached me with a variety of questions and comments, their curiosity coming off as invasiveness, concern turning into unsolicited advice, and embarrassment manifesting as blatant, disrespectful criticism. Not many people asked if I was okay, feeling awkward talking about the topic. Rumors even circulated at light speed about my divorce by people who had no idea what happened yet wanted to justify knowing missing information that was none of their business in the first place. Quite frankly, I was not surprised or shocked at these reactions. Even Indian media portrays divorced women as villainous, vulnerable, weak, useless, and/or suicidal as a reaction to the societal rejection associated with divorce. Our society reinforces this behavior around divorced Indian women. Growing up in the Indian community and being the first to get divorced, I expected many of these awkward reactions to happen.

Despite living in a western country that had every source of support for divorce available, divorce is still a taboo topic to discuss in Indian culture. My American side felt supported by the people who saw my divorce as acceptable. My Indian side felt the shame and the stigma from the reactions I received from my community. Consequently, I isolated myself from everyone in response to the increasingly awkward questions and overhearing rumors. After going through two years of an intense healing journey that helped me to gain enough calm and clarity to analyze everything objectively, I understood why my community reacted the way they did:

We were never taught to discuss divorce in a culture that taught us for decades to shame divorcees, something our society and Indian media reinforces us to do. How can I convince people I’m the same, exact daughter, sister, niece, aunt, and friend I was before I got married, let alone divorced, when people have already assigned me a tainting “D for divorce” scarlet letter they feel I have to carry for the rest of my life? As an Indian born in America, how do I bridge the gap of the stigma of divorce between Indian shame and American acceptance?

And that’s why I wrote this article. In our community, divorce is no easy subject to talk about. It is normal to feel confused, embarrassed, or worried about a loved one going through one. As an Indian woman who has experienced it first hand, here are some words of wisdom I wish to share that you can remember to help someone in your life going through a divorce:

• Understand what they are going through is extremely difficult, that the last thing the person needs is unnecessary shaming and judgment.
• Do not ask them why their marriage ended (I can’t stress this enough— the details of the divorce are sacred unless the person chooses to share this information with you).
• Stop viewing divorce as a stigma that taints a person as impure.
• Do not give them any advice, no matter how well-meaning it may seem.
• Ask them how they are doing. If they open up, be a supportive ear and listen if you can. If they refuse to respond, let them be and continue to send love from afar.
• Do not create rumors and stories about them, especially when you do not know their story. Defend them when you hear someone gossip harmful misinformation.
• Let them know you’re here for support. You can show your support with simple actions, such as a small, thoughtful text, sending them a gift box of their favorite snacks, or giving them a big hug next time you see them in person.
• Educate yourself about divorce through media research and starting conversations with your family.

I hope for a future in our community where divorced people, especially women, will not have to endure the criticism, isolation, and shame that I did. The Indian national anthem claims that “all Indians are our brothers and sisters.” Moving forward, let’s check in on our brothers and sisters when they go through a difficult time. Let’s focus more on our loved ones’ well being and less on how their actions would “tarnish” the family name.  Let’s go easy on those who experience stressful events with less criticism and more compassion. If you yourself have gone through a divorce, please remember: you are loved beyond measure. People’s reactions are a reflection of them, not you. Your marital status does not define you. Take all the time you need to heal. You are enough.

Divorce isn’t easy, period. As a community, we can do better in how we respond to it.