Writer | Jiyoon Kim

Estimated Reading Time: 9 Minutes

My dream was to be a physicist. This is because since I was in high school, I have been better at physics than other subjects, and I was happy to see myself solve problems that other people find difficult. I wanted to naturally go to graduate school, publish a paper with my name on it, and become a professor. I thought it was the most academically successful life. When I was a sophomore, I came to America as an exchange student with a big dream. I wanted to break away from a Korean university’s rigid teaching system and listen to a wide range of American university classes. Furthermore, I wanted to experience various things so that I could come to the U.S. to study abroad. However, my ideal life in the U.S. did not last that long.

I took a quantum mechanics class in English, so I couldn’t understand it at all. (Of course, I couldn’t understand it entirely even when I took it in my native language, Korean.) Among the students who were questioning and discussing the explanations of famous physics professors, I used to sit still and spend time. Every time I felt the language barrier, and I learned the physics theory deeper and deeper, I felt the frustration and difficulty of expressing it. I was passionate about everything before, but somehow I lost confidence in everything. The assignments were often poorly scored, and the test results continued to fall. I used to go back in front of the professor’s door, which was wide open during office hours. Moreover, I felt unhappy with my laboratory life, where I was a student researcher. “Will I be able to realize my dreams among many people who are smarter and wiser than me?” I wondered. This led to self-deprecation and depression, and my unwavering love for learning began to crack. I felt like I couldn’t achieve what I wanted. I ended up completely lost.

I wandered for a long time. At first, I stayed in my room and did nothing. I lost weight even though I didn’t go to the gym often. I went to the library because I don’t have to talk to anyone. I felt as if I had accomplished anything meaningful if I had chosen any book and read it briefly. Maybe I didn’t want to ruin my mind and body. I felt like my brain was out of order, but I wanted to find my way again. If I went back to Korea, my family and friends would be worried about me. I was looking for a way to solve this feeling that my body and mind were not the same as before. It wasn’t that great. I watched YouTube videos and read books about a feeling of depression, and confessed my worries to close friends. I don’t have enough strength, so it seems like I’ve been relying on someone. Then I didn’t feel lonely. In particular, one of my friends was a graduate student majoring in medical physics; while talking to her, I became interested in health and medicine. I am intrigued by this new academic field. I wasn’t afraid because I have never experienced it. I decided to study this and find another way if it didn’t go well. I went to see a professor who majored in medical physics at UCSF for counseling about my career. (In fact, medicine and medical physics are quite different fields, but they must be for a healthy life in common anyway.) At the same time, I was fascinated by the fact that the study of physics was applied to the study of medicine. It stimulated me that what I have studied with passion up until now will help people’s health to some extent.

While agonizing between medical physics and medicine, I wanted to learn more professional and detailed about our body and disease. Just as I had the power to stand up again with the help of many people, I wanted to be a useful person for someone. One person said it was impossible. He says that studying medicine doesn’t go well with intuitive physics because it has a lot to memorize. It was hard while preparing, but somehow I felt more comfortable before. I found it valuable to spend time finding my career. After a long wait, I was able to enter medical school. At first, it was not easy for me. What’s different from before is that there are many motivations for studying together. Sharing each other’s difficulties, they are comforted and helping each other about things they don’t know. Thanks to a lot of positive energy, I was able to put my passion back into studying. Although I thought there was only one career path, it was that depressing and hard time I spent in the U.S. that made me think of a new way.

I know the fear of a career disaster will come back again. But I prefer to believe that it will be another turning point in my life. Even if I get lost and wander in the dark, that moment must be the freest time to change the goals of my life. I don’t think my story has been much of a success story. However, if someone is having a hard time with their dreams, I would like to tell them that dreams don’t always have to be the same and that hard time is perhaps the freest time to dream.