Written By: April Emerson

Trigger warning self-harm and suicidal language. 

While writing this I questioned how vulnerable I should be with these words. But, I was deeply reminded that there is a unique beauty to being vulnerable. So here goes. My name is April Tham Emerson, I am a 34 year old individual that identifies as female and goes by she/her pronouns. I was born in Malaysia in a small town called Seremban Negeri Sembilan. I am a first generation college student, and I graduated with 3 degrees, the last being my Master’s of Social Work from the University of Southern California. I am an Associate Clinical Social Worker and am extremely close to my Licensed Clinical Social Worker License and am a mental health therapist. I am also a model and currently a National Beauty Queen title holder. With my pageant platform I promote my platform Every Body Positive, it is a community for the intersection between eating disorders and mental health in order to reclaim self love. (@every_body_positive and my main instagram @april_emerson_msw_asw) 

My healing journey began when I was 13. I remember taking showers so hot that the skin of my back would peel and so would my feet. It was not with true intention to self harm. I was just so depressed and numb that I would be in that predicament. My parents were at a loss for words. I was such a happy kid and had such a happy childhood. Why this? Bullying at school. Kids would bluntly tell me “Do us all a favor and go kill yourself” everyday relentlessly. It was extremely close to my 14th birthday and all I could do was cry. Then in the car going to the mall to get early birthday celebrations I thought will life ever get better and had my first thought of suicidal ideation. 

I ended up going to the doctor and he said, “You are not the April I once knew”. This is someone who has known me since age 1. It was either have the police take me to the hospital or parents and I opted for mom and dad. When I entered the psych-facility I remembered all the cameras and swiftly locked doors. It was eerie and had a specific smell of cleaner that when I smell it brings me back to this moment. It’s interesting how our olfactory senses can take us back to a time just like music. It’s amazing how our senses truly guide our lives. 

Instead of having an inpatient stay. They handed me paper. This paper was a contract. 20 years ago it was called a safety contract. It stated I ,April Tham Emerson will not harm myself. Then they had me sign it, and I returned the next business day for the outpatient program. It was surreal. Me signing a document meant nothing to me. If I wanted to, I would act on it. But, I chickened out and signed for my tearful mother and father’s sake. 14 years old and already wanting to be dead. Sounds to me like the start of an awful year.

But, this is just the beginning of my story. Tune back next month for part two.