Written By Rina Desai

I am a female. 

I am a female born in the 80s.

I am a female born in the 80s of immigrant South Asian parents. 

I am a female born in the 80s of immigrant South Asian parents with a mother who had postpartum, severe depression, bi-polar, and ultimately diagnosed with manic schizophrenia.  

What is Schizophrenia? A mental disorder characterized by reoccurring episodes of psychosis that are correlated with a general misperception of reality, hallucinations (hearing voices), delusions, paranoia, disorganized thinking, social withdrawal, and flat affect.

Mala, a woman born in 1954 in India married off at 15 to a 23 year old male. Having her first child at 16, immigrated to the United States leaving her daughter behind. Once established she reunited with her daughter when she was a little over two and had her second daughter at 19.  Life was good. The family of four traveled through the U.S. before settling in Parsippany, NJ.  In 1982, at the age of 28, Mala gave birth to identical twin girls at 29 weeks.  Both girls had to be in the NICU while she had an emergency hysterectomy. This was the start of her decline.  

Growing up I was so lucky to have a father who worked hard to support his family, a mother who ran the house, two older sisters to guide me, and my twin sister who was my built-in best friend. The outside reality we portrayed was a stable, unchallenged, and “normal” family.  However, on the inside was the mere opposite: growing up with the unpredictable nature of mental illness, daily routines being disrupted, and constant instability was so difficult. Not to mention the role reversal and having to mature quickly to provide emotional support, navigate crises, and manage day to day activities that mom could not perform.  You become resilient, there is no other choice.  And I know it is cliche but I am who I am today because of my experience.  It wasn’t until my mid to late 20s when I was able to finally talk about my mom and my childhood without feeling ashamed.  As an adult I was able to reflect and have a better understanding of her condition and not resent her for her actions.  Her erratic behavior was not directed towards me or others but rather the opposite, all an internal battle going on in her head that no one around her understood. Not even her.  

In my early 30s my father passed away. Her primary caretaker of 45 years was gone.  Her world again, totally turned upside down. Luckily she has four daughters and four great son-in-laws that are able to take care of her (it truly takes a village). Helping her when I was a child and being one of her primary care takers as an adult, has allowed me to understand mental health in a different perspective. My reactions and how I respond to her when she is having an episode completely influences the outcome. I have learned various breathing techniques, use of mantras, positive self talk, and/or simply may need to walk away in order to handle difficult situations she is having to calm her down and bring her back to a sense of reality. 

Now here I am in my 40s and want to make a difference.  Want to break down barriers and the stigma around mental health. Ironically mala, in Sanskrit, means meditation beads.  Malas are a profound tool for meditation, adorned with 108 beads allowing one to recite mantras connecting mind and body through meditation, sounds, and power of gemstones.  The gemstones have a variety of meanings and resonate with individuals differently.  I am creating mala necklaces and bracelets and my mission is to provide awareness, peace, and healing one mala bead at a time. All proceeds will be donated to mental health. 

Mala Bhatt, my mom, is an amazing soul that continues to battle schizophrenia. the.malasb is my way of connecting with the community: bringing awareness on mental health wellness and reaching out to individuals battling mental disorders and their caregivers.